ackground-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); "> If I really wanted someone to suck me, it wouldn’t be for blood. Gay boys and straight girls are way too obsessed with vampires and the made-up Hollywood stories that they are embalmed in. If you were to trick with a “true” vampire they would chomp your dick off or eat your clitoris. Duh. I understand the need for escapism (this is usually European porn for me) and fantasy, but vampires? And, I thought I was morbid. The more recent vampires are either portrayed as super, “Photoshopped” buff or sickly, emaciated carcasses. Now, I will take anything buff for my “love monkey,” but I am not into the Skeletor look at all. Isn’t it gross to have a carcass blow you? I hope this trend of “glamour vampires” leaves soon, but I am not confident about this – we still hold on to stale trends here like the Hoarders on A&E. Those who are unfortunate enough to know me understand my thirst for education and fact-finding. Let’s look at “real” vampires and let’s see how glamorous they truly are.

In October 2008, ABC News did a story about real life “vampires” and how they exist in modern society. ABC interviewed modern vampires, scholars and physicians about the existence of vampirism. Vampirism doesn’t mean you are immortal and that you will pop out of a coffin. There is a definite diversity about the vampire community, some are the epitome of what we think vampires are, but many are not. First, not all real-life vampires drink blood. While “sanguine” vampires say they need to drink human or animal blood in order to energize them, “pranic” vampires say they can simply feed off the energy of other humans. Pranic, in this context, stems from the Hindu notion of prana, or energy. A pranic vampire can draw on the energy of people who are within 25 or 30 feet. When a pranic vampire begins to feel drained or their body is out of balance, they can either “sip” from the ambient energy of surrounding crowds or eat a “scheduled full meal” from a group of friends who have granted their permission. Friends and family of pranic vampires can feel “transparent” and depleted around their vampire friend. In fact, I think I may have had many pranic vampire friends that sucked the life out of me and my wallet – draining homos!

“Sanguine” vampires say they need to drink human or animal blood in order energize themselves and some cite the so-called Renfield’s syndrome, a condition used to describe an obsession to drink blood, as a diagnosis for their craving. Renfield’s syndrome is not recognized in medical literature and is rejected by medical doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists. There are rare cases in which people suffer from clinical vampirism, which is the psychotic delusion that you need blood to survive. Convinced that they need to drink blood, these folks cut themselves or have killed loved ones to satisfy their need. Clinical vampirism is very different from forming a vampirish persona and participating in a subculture that celebrates it. Sanguine vampires feed by typically consuming an ounce or less of blood at a time and usually no more than once a week. When “sanguine” vampires obtain blood from human sources, it is consensual and facilitated. So, yes, real-life bloodsuckers are not going to jump out of the bushes at night and bite your neck for some blood. If someone is going to jump out of the bushes at night at you, they are not seeking blood; they are seeking your fake-ass Prada wallet.

Like gays and straight girls, the vampire community is a tight knit group, in that they are protective about who knows they that practice vampirism, for fear of being ridicule or ostracized. Vampires usually date and mate within their own community. Sounds familiar? There are many vampire community websites that can help you join a vampire group or pack. www.sanguinarius.org and vampires.meetup.com are two sites that provide direction on how to meet other vampires.

 

I know you are thinking, “Halloween is not until October, what the fuck is he writing?” Well, there is never a bad time to chat about vampires. There is so much trendy TV and film that are vampire-centric and there is so much press propaganda around this craze that it is hard for a teen zealot to think clearly. And, if you are an adult who is a zealot that screams when they see R-Patz or the buff vampires of True Blood, you really need better meds. By the way, R-Patz and K-Stew are two hipster Hollywood kids who played out a morbid love story in film; they do not openly practice vampirism. But, there were some hot vampires in this film series – would you date a bloodsucker? And True Blood – what a morbid romance. I love morbidity, but this show is so hokey that it is like a teen soap opera with nudity. Personally, I think the vampire craze is as absurd as Prince’s ass-less pants from the 1980s and it only gives kids another reason to shop at Hot Topic.

 

The only correlation between the modern vampires and us is the community that modern vampires created for themselves in order to protect themselves. And, this is not a bad thing either. The GLBT community has been and still is struggling to achieve equality, and we tend to flock together to protect ourselves and to feel comfortable. Maybe we need a “vampire” pride for our vampire brothers and sisters?

 

Lastly, this is the month of love, remember to love yourself first and always be a survivor, never a victim. Now, I think I am going to ask Hubby to buy a garlic necklace – I may have pissed off a few bloodsuckers, as well as a few homos.